


two hundred and ten days

by luvjinnie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Mentions of Death, Or does he, Painting, Stars, Studio Ghibli, but like its not THAT grim, donghyuck is a sad boi, johnhyuck friendship ftw, lapslock, mark just wants to wuv donghyuck, mentions of a car accident, metaphors abt space, ok it kinda is, totoro is there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-24 12:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16175489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvjinnie/pseuds/luvjinnie
Summary: donghyuck had always believed that when someone died, they became a star, a bright, beautiful star, and the more important they were to you, the more brightly they shine.





	two hundred and ten days

**Author's Note:**

> sooo this is like my first fic on here and it's a whole mess,, i'll be honest lmao.
> 
> the death and car accident aren't described in great detail but if you are worried u can skip those parts, also the extent of editing on this was spell check so forgive any errors lol. the tags r really strange but i promise this is good(?) ,, the angst gets a bit heavy at times so proceed with caution, n i hope yall enjoy!! 
> 
> ps everyone is just mentioned besides mark, hyuck, and johnny lol

 

donghyuck had always believed that when someone died, they became a star, a bright, beautiful star, and the more important they were to you, the more brightly they shine. he didn’t think much of it, just like he didn’t think much of the dark roots growing into his auburn hair, or the fact that he’ll be turning eighteen in four months, or that he hasn’t felt happiness in two hundred and ten days.

  
of course, there are little joys in his life, but he knows that once upon a time, he experienced what true happiness felt like, happiness that made him feel like skipping down the street and hearing his shoes slap the concrete, happiness that wasn’t punctuated by hard, sharp pains of longing and hurt.

 

then again, if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t know that he’s sad now. during those times, each day, he’d skip along the river that ran by his house, inhale the sweet scent of the wildflowers, and bask in the sunlight that filtered through the trees. after his walk, he’d return home, nod at his father, kiss his mother on the cheek, ruffle his brother, jisung’s hair, and go upstairs to draw on his walls.

 

he had an intricate mural that filled them, full of color and life, and it practically covered every inch of his bedroom, save for one full wall he had yet to fill. he believes he started it when he was six years old, and drew a small spiral on the wall.

 

every day after that, he would cover another patch, a rough square, about 5 inches or so across, eyes closed and mouth upturned in a content smile. he would open them periodically, only a few seconds at a time, to make sure he wasn’t ruining his hard work, but he had always found it more fun to paint with his eyes closed anyways.

 

there was a certain degree of danger, and caution he had to take. but donghyuck thinks the spontaneity reflects in his art, and it has a certain kind of emotion that wouldn’t be there if he didn’t paint with his eyes closed.

 

he hasn’t painted on his mural in two hundred and ten days.

 

                                                                                                   ______________

  

today is day two hundred and eleven. donghyuck feels it is a special day, but he can’t quite tell why. his phone dings with a notification from mark, asking him to come over, a particularly unremarkable occurrence, even for eight p.m.

  
he showers and changes into a random pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and leaves his room without looking at the wall.

  
trotting down the stairs, he glances at jisung and chenle, his endearingly tiny neighbor who frequented the lee house to flirt fruitlessly with his knucklehead of a brother. he slips out of the house, shoes untied, and lets his mind lead him to the front door of mark’s house, a block and two turns away.

  
he raps on the door with two knuckles, _tap-tap-tap_ , exactly three times, for the grade the two were in when they met. he hears rustling behind the doorway, and waits casually as the whirlwind that is mark lee throws open the door, black hair tousled and round eyes shining.

  
donghyuck throws him a lazy half smile, amused at how mark seems to have everything in his life together but himself. the orange haired boy likes to think he’s the exact opposite. they fit together wonderfully.

  
“has my great presence been requested by one mark lee?” donghyuck says, smiling, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. mark scrunches up his face, eyes curving cutely. “you know you’ve been obligated to provide it since the very first day of third grade.” he retorts, eyes sparkling. donghyuck can’t help but marvel at the boy in front of him. he likes to think mark shines. not like the sun, but like the moon. reflects the light of a star, luminescent but not artificial.

  
mark lee was truly a spectacle, bright, but only when surrounded by the right people. he didn’t need to shine brightly to be marveled at. if anything, that made him easier to enjoy. donghyuck was different. he was fiery and hot, and burnt out easily. he could shine easily on his own, and didn’t need anyone to come too close, lest they harm themselves. he’s like the sun. the sun is awfully lonely, he thinks. so many things belong to the sun. but the sun belongs to no one.

  
he looks down at the ground, carefully examining the small pink stain on his pristine white converse, when mark emerges from the depths of his house with his car keys dangling on one finger. he locks the door behind him and they walk to mark’s car, some late model toyota sedan that’s absolutely spotless.

  
mark used to have to scold donghyuck for touching the upholstery when he’d have paint stains on his fingers. he doesn’t have to anymore, though. as mark backs out of the driveway, eyes scanning around, donghyuck picks up his phone, having gotten a text from jaemin, who was mark’s friend originally, but seemed companionable enough to befriend for himself.

 

<New Message: **nana** >

  
**nana:** _wyd dude?_

  
  
**fullsun:** _w mark. u?_

  
  
**nana:** _lol ofccc ,, im with jeno n renjun. wanna come over? mark too_

  
  
**fullsun:** _idk i’ll ask him_

  
  
mark glances over at donghyuck curiously, before securing his eyes back on the road.

  
“who are you texting?” he inquires.

  
“jaemin. he asked if we wanted to come over, he’s with jun and jeno.” donghyuck answers. he hopes mark will hear the underlying tone in his voice begging him to say no.

  
“i wanted to take you somewhere, tell them next time.”

  
donghyuck smiles.

  
mark knows him all too well, donghyuck thinks. mark can tell when his heart is so heavy and his mind is so full he can’t even get himself out of bed. mark can tell when he’s so ruined that it has been two hundred and ten days since he let himself feel joy. mark just can’t tell that donghyuck loves him to the edge of the universe and back.

  
he doesn’t quite remember when he fell in love with mark lee. when the excitement to see him turned into flutters in his stomach. he likes to think the transition from friendly admiration to full-blown affection was so smooth that he was practically made to love mark. of course, considering mark has been the same person for eleven years, he was probably made to never love donghyuck.

  
this hurt to think about, and the day donghyuck realized it, it hit him harder than a freight train. it was so easy to love mark, but extremely difficult to know that he would never love him back. he had many the mental breakdown about this, among other things. and of course, mark would try to breach his little bubble of self-destruction to help him. he figures, though, one of these days, he’ll let him in.

  
but usually, donghyuck didn’t let him, or anyone for that matter see what he had to do to stay sane. although he considered himself dramatic at times, the way he broke was wholly unspectacular. he’d simply feel very horrid, overthink it, feel worse, and then pack it away neatly in the back of his brain to haunt him later.

  
he is fine though. perfectly fine. or he’s been trying to be, for two hundred and ten days.

  
“-hyuck? you good? we’re here now.” mark’s voice interrupts his thoughts, and he snaps his eyes to his worried expression. “ah, just thinking. let’s go.” donghyuck says, flatly. he does that a lot lately, get lost in his thoughts, and be reluctant to be pulled out until he was done. mark purses his lips, turning off the ignition and getting out of the car. donghyuck follows suit, gasping at the sight in front of him.

  
mark had brought him to _the_ graffiti wall. yes, there was a giant wall in their vicinity where anyone could legally let their creativity come alive, with their choice of medium. every few weeks, it was cleaned, and completely new to be filled from top to bottom, every inch ready to be covered with feelings words just can’t express.

  
donghyuck feels himself shaking at the thought of trying to bring the canister of spray paint to the wall. he can’t do this. he shakes his head, and starts back towards mark’s car. mark grabs his wrist, and looks into donghyuck’s eyes. “please. one more time. for me. for him.” he pleads. donghyuck attempts to fixate his unfocused eyes on a piece of gravel near his foot and seals his mouth shut.

  
mark knew what this meant to him. what memories swam to the surface of his consciousness when he saw this wall.

suddenly, donghyuck is transported. it’s two hundred and ten days prior. johnny and him walk side by side in the park, talking about his art. donghyuck excitedly details his latest addition to the graffiti wall.

 

_“tomorrow, you’ll come over and see it? it’s a special surprise, just for you. before they hose it down.”_

 

_johnny chuckles, patting donghyuck’s then brown hair, linking his long pinkie with donghyuck’s daintier one._

  
  
_“of course, hyuck-ah. i know how hard you’ve worked on it.”_

  
  
johnny never got to see it. he had a quick, painless death, the doctors said, rubbing donghyuck’s small back. he was dead before the car flipped over the rail. donghyuck felt very far away at that moment. he felt tears form, but they sat stubbornly in his eyes, refusing to run tracks down his still face. his chest felt like it was being torn down the middle. but he said nothing, felt nothing.

  
two hundred and ten days ago, the man who taught donghyuck to love himself, that he was valid in this world full of people who were better than he could ever be, that painting with your eyes closed is a million times more fun than with them open. johnny was his everything.

  
it all started when donghyuck was a freshman in high school, and trudged into his last period, algebra class, thoroughly discouraged from how underwhelming his first day had been. his straight-backed, plain-faced teacher sat at her desk, with what seemed to be a permanent frown marring her features.

 

however, his eyes went straight to the almost alarmingly tall young man sitting on the counter in front of the board. even at half his height, he seemed larger than life. he was named mr. seo (but they could call him johnny), had dyed brown hair swept in front of his eyes, sported an ugly gray cardigan that was way too big but somehow worked for him, cuffed jeans, and bright pink vans. he had a large smile that practically stretched from one ear to the other, kind of like totoro.

 

donghyuck made sure johnny was aware of his extreme likeness to totoro, teasing him every day, but the man just accepted it happily, to which donghyuck snorted internally, because what a joke this guy would be. and he was. but johnny was the best teacher, even though he was just the student teacher for his class, that donghyuck would ever have.

  
but more than that, johnny was his rock. during freshman year, when donghyuck almost failed algebra at the end of the first semester, and had stumbled into the classroom after school, sobbing into his hands, johnny had give him a big hug, and a few worksheets to take home and finish for extra credit. and if donghyuck's grade had went from a 56 to a 75 mysteriously, no one spoke anything of it.

 

however, johnny soon discovered that teaching high school students, though fun at times, was extremely mundane, and quite frankly, depressing, so he used his math degree to take up some lame office job to keep busy as he lived his life the way he pleased.

  
shortly after that year ended, when johnny got his office job, he moved into the house next to donghyuck’s. he was shocked, floored at how this former college student and student teacher (two of the worst financial positions to be in) could afford a house. johnny revealed that his parents had left him a hefty trust fund, that he rarely dipped into, unless it enabled him to live so close to and visit his “duckie” every day. of course, donghyuck couldn’t help but introduce johnny to mark, and marvel at how well they got along.

  
the two were both dorks with atrocious fashion sense, but also shared a nerdy obsession towards computer programming, and unorthodox love for math. johnny had friends his age as well, of course, taeyong and ten, his housemates, jaehyun and doyoung from across the street, and yuta and sicheng from the coffee shop. donghyuck couldn’t tell if taeyong or ten was johnny’s boyfriend. or both of them.

  
they were both equally devastated when johnny died. then again, everyone was. as much as he changed donghyuck’s life, he seemed to touch everyone in that little town in some way. the little old lady he would always drop everything to wave hello to and help cross the street, the cashier at the little convenience store he’d strike up a conversation with every time he’d visit, the children at the playground who would take turns sitting on his shoulders, to “feel like a giant”.

  
he was such a great person, that donghyuck cannot even blame him for how bad he got when johnny left his life. sure, it hurt him, but taeyong and ten live every day in a house that will always feel empty, johnny’s parents mourn a son they never quite knew, the children still look at him with their big eyes, and ask innocently about where the giant went. everyone in their community collectively grows quiet in solemn respect for johnny.

  
yet, donghyuck sometimes indulges himself in thinking about johnny like he’s still there. he dives into his memory bank periodically, remembering when they sat on the curb, ate popsicles, and watched fireworks at 11 pm, sweating like pigs. it wasn’t a special occasion, someone had just set them off, but something about the night felt unique. another time, johnny drove hyuck and mark to the science museum, leading them around, narrating. he was so knowledgeable, that he soon drew a crowd of people, thinking he was an actual guide.

 

however, his favorite memory will always be the day he showed johnny the mural in his room, he can’t quite remember the day, sometime his sophomore year, he just remembers johnny tromping into his room, eyes widening incredulously at the sight.

 

_“this is so amazing, duckie. how did you do it all?”_

  
  
_“9 years of hard work, with my eyes closed most of the time, too! sounds stupid, but i think i paint prettier that way.”_

  
  
_“that’s an interesting technique. leonardo dicaprio is shaking in his grave!”_

  
  
_“johnny, you idiot...his name was leonardo da vinci.”_

  
  
_“tomato-tomahto. say, the way you paint is quite interesting...”_

  
  
the next day, johnny took him to the graffiti wall, bright and early, the sun beaming down on them, with a light breeze dancing along the azure sky, ruffling their hair to and fro. he took blindfolds out of his pocket, and set the bucket of spray paint canisters down by their feet.

 

_“i’ve decided to test out your technique, i don’t think i’ll be nearly as good, though, little man.” johnny said, apprehensively._

  
  
_donghyuck giggled, shaking his head. “it doesn’t have to be good, as long as you liked it in your head.”_

  
  
johnny nodded, and they slipped on the blindfolds. donghyuck wasn’t used to having his vision fully restricted when he did this, but found it even more exhilarating than just screwing his eyes shut and hoping for the best. johnny had thoughtfully put the first letters of the color on the cap of the bottles, so he could tell what color he was using, but that was it. he hoped he had painted a galaxy, but didn’t bother to check like normal. he darted his eyes over to johnny’s work, and examined what seemed to be a grey blob with a large white grin and fuzzy tail, currently getting the finishing touches. soon, johnny finished, slipping off his blindfold and glancing at his monstrosity, barking out a laugh.

  
_“hyuck, your galaxy looks splendid. i don’t think i have an artistic bone in my body, this was supposed to be totoro.” he said, scornfully._

  
  
_donghyuck smiled. “it looks fine, art is too subjective for you to judge it.”_

  
  
_johnny rolled his eyes, coming over to ruffle donghyuck’s hair. “you’re too nice to me, duckie. i know it’s absolutely horrible. but i’ll have you know, i drew it for you.”_

  
  
_it quite honestly was horrid, but it was the thought that counted. the fact that johnny knew that donghyuck would love that place, brought the blindfolds so they could paint the way he prefers, and drew the totoro for him, despite not being called the affectionate nickname in years. it truly meant the world to him._

  
he finds himself back in front of that wall, hands stained with purple paint, johnny smiling at him next to his ugly totoro, when it all melts away.

  
he isn’t there. johnny isn’t there. there is no totoro. he’s sobbing into mark’s soft, baby blue sweater, it’s cold and dark, and he thinks he might faint. he clutches the fabric, and months of tears come flooding out.

  
two hundred and ten days of pretending he was okay, that johnny being gone didn’t break what little bit of him was still held together. that no one loves him, no matter what they say. and that you never see what’s coming, whether your eyes are open or not.

  
mark is completely silent as he strokes donghyuck’s hair, and donghyuck feels even more horrible, so selfish and stupid. johnny wasn’t his. johnny made so many people the best versions of themselves, but he wants to pretend that johnny cared about him the most.

  
it hurts so horribly, and aches deep within his soul. but he lifts himself out of mark’s embrace, and sighs shakily. he meets mark’s eyes, and sees himself reflected in the watery darkness. mark’s face is stained with tears too.

  
“why the hell did you think i would want to come here?! you knew i wasn’t ready.” donghyuck snaps, weakly. he isn’t nearly as scathing as he usually is, but he’s too worn out to try.

  
  
“hyuckie. it’s johnny’s birthday. today is february 9th.” mark says quietly, eyes downcast.

 

donghyuck gasps, a sharp intake of breath. a wave of nausea hits him. how could he be so stupid, so ignorant, to forget a day he had both been looking forward to and dreading? that he had almost just let pass like it was another saturday. johnny would have been 24 today.

 

he sits on the cold concrete abruptly, the breeze ruffling his hair just like that fateful day two hundred and eleven days ago, tears still flowing, but mind calm.

 

he thinks about how johnny was on the phone, with him, discussing plans to visit the wall again, when the truck came out of nowhere. donghyuck squeezes his eyes shut, as mark slides his arm around him.

 

mark sighs deeply, before speaking.“hyuckie? do you want to leave? i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to hurt you, i thought you’d remember today and this would be a pleasant surpr-”

 

“no. it’s okay. get the paint, please.” donghyuck ignores the strange feeling in his chest at the nickname, opting to stare straight ahead.

 

mark starts towards his car, and grabs a bucket of spray paint canisters from his trunk, lugging them to where they stood. donghyuck took the gray, black, and white, shook them, one, two, three, times, and closed his eyes.

 

“wow,” mark said, awe creeping into his voice. “i haven’t seen you do this in a long time.”

 

donghyuck looked up at his masterpiece, a big totoro, smiling wide, eyes curved. it was perfect. just like the one he painted for johnny two hundred and ten days ago, that he never got to see. he knows he’s crying again, as he turns to look at mark.

 

“i want to visit his grave.” donghyuck whispers, voice rough and scratchy.

 

“that’s really not a good idea, you’re tired, and it’s late, just get some rest. besides, we’ve never even gone...” mark says, as gently as he can.

 

“i’ll be okay. let’s just go. but first, can we stop by at my house?” donghyuck says, with finality.

 

mark knows his attempts are fruitless, and sighs, getting to his feet without another word of rebuttal. they walk hand in hand to the car, and sit. mark places his hand on donghyuck’s, keeping him on earth, before he flies away, too far, so far, into the galaxy, to where johnny resides, in the sky.

 

the drive is quiet, and donghyuck lets his eyes slip closed, although he knows he won’t sleep, he can’t sleep. the warm weight of mark’s hand feels like home, like johnny’s hug in freshman year when he felt like the world was closing in, and for a second, he feels at peace.

 

mark stops in front of his house, and donghyuck is reluctant to get up, not when his legs protest at even the mere thought of walking, but he perseveres, getting out, and slipping into his house. he takes the stairs two steps a time, like johnny always would, and ambles into his room. he makes a beeline for the totoro plush sitting on his nightstand.

 

johnny had given it to him, for his 17th birthday, making him promise to never lose the plushie, for he’d lose johnny as well. donghyuck feels a twinge in his chest at the irony. he keeps a strong grip on the plush, stroking its soft, small head with his thumb as he descends the stairs and floats out to mark’s waiting car.

 

he clambers back in, sensing mark’s gaze drift to the little animal clutched in his fingers. mark knows exactly why he has it, and donghyuck would be disappointed if he didn’t. but mark never disappoints him. mark begins the drive, and donghyuck finally allows himself to drift off into the darkness.

 

he feels himself being shaken, and opens his eyes blearily. mark is shaking him awake, as they have arrived. donghyuck hates cemeteries with a passion. he hated attending his grandfather’s funeral, not because he didn’t love his grandfather, but because he knew there were millions of people who probably loved every person forever lost to the stars there. he musters up every bit of courage he has, and gets out of the car. 

 

the two walk in solemn silence to where johnny is buried. two hundredth row, tenth one down. donghyuck reads the tombstone, for the first time.

  

“in loving memory of john seo

‘it is more important

to remember, than to

be remembered’

1995-2017”

 

donghyuck feels those phantom tears again. he hears johnny’s smooth voice bestowing pearls of wisdom upon him as they sat outside of a small cafe, sipping lemonade.

 

_“duckie. do you know what i want most in life?” johnny piped up._

 

_“errrr, for taeyong and ten to b-” donghyuck snickered, naughtily._

 

_“yah! you little brat. i’m being serious. although i’d like that too.” johnny answered, eyes shining happily._

 

_“what do you want, johnny?” donghyuck asked, sincerely._

 

_“i...i want to be able to remember all of the things i’ve experienced. i want to remember how it felt to scrape my knee when i was six, how it felt to graduate high school. i want to remember how you said i look like totoro, and i want to remember how i feel when children smile at me, and i want to remember how sweet this lemonade tastes, i want to remember how it feels when my mother hugs me. forever and ever. i don’t care if everyone forgets who i am tomorrow, as long as i can remember everything that made my life as wonderful as it is. do you know what i mean?” johnny finished, a content smile on his lips, his eyes just slightly curved as he stared into the distance._

 

donghyuck nodded, not quite understanding at the time. he’d much rather have the world remember who he was than remember any of the components of his crap life. except for johnny. he never wanted to forget johnny, but perhaps that’s how johnny felt, about everything.

 

he thinks he understands now. he understands how important it is to keep memories, aspects of your life, alive in your heart, as you never know when they’ll be stolen away from you. you have to stay vigilant, and thankful for every moment, as they are like wisps of air, slipping in and out of your grasp, and if you don’t catch onto them and hold fast, you regret it later on.

 

donghyuck grasps on tightly to the plush, bending down to place it at the foot of johnny’s grave, its bright smile glowing bright in the darkness. mark takes his now empty hand, and kisses it. donghyuck almost jumps for joy. boy, has today been a miracle. mark might love him back. he’s visited johnny’s grave, for the first time in forever. he’s returned the plush to his rightful owner. 

 

but, in the end, donghyuck realizes that he doesn’t need anything tangible to remember johnny. he doesn’t need to close his eyes and let the world rush by. he doesn’t need a plush, or a graffiti wall, or his mural to remember the beautiful times he had with johnny, though they were brief. he looks up to the night sky, eyes wide, smiling. for the first time, in two hundred and ten days, he feels happiness. a warm feeling fills him up, from head to toe. here, standing on the dirty grass, totoro smiling at him from the ground, in front of johnny, with mark by his side, he is okay.

 

a particularly bright star smiles back at him.

 

______________

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so! that was a wild ride lol ,, i apologize for any continuity errors or plot holes ;-; 
> 
> but leave a comment abt what you thought? (pls. i need validation) or hmu on twitter @cupidyong i don't bite hehe 
> 
> **edit: thank u so much for all of the kudos and comments i am so thankful that u took ur time to read this!!! it means so much :-))))**


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